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alter

19 Jan

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should vs be

yesterday (monday) i found my mind racing around what i wanted for myself by the end of soul*full. peace… happiness… a sense of having re-discovered these things within…. that felt like what i should aim for. after all, spending this time every day on myself seems so indulgent right now… so frivolous in that first-world sense of unnecessary ways to spend my time…

but there was a discomfort… a knowing that this was forcing an agenda of what i think my family needs for me to be now – what they might expect after i take this time for introspection… a knowing that i was tuning in to what i think i should do and be.

what i discovered as the day wore on, as i went to therapy and sat in mindfulness, experienced my tension, my sorrow, my fear, my directionlessness…

is that what i long for is shelter, for solace. i long for rest, and quiet, and a time when the perceived and real demands of my life are somehow suspended, and i can just dream – just sleep – surrounded by the protective forces of the Universe – the angels of the Divine – the shelter of the Mighty and Powerful.

in talking with the community of friends sharing this deliberate journey, i keep writing alter instead of altar, and i can’t help notice the slip. by stepping away from should and into embodying my own voice, there is a definite alteration in my own perception, and i welcome it.

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1 Comment

Posted by on January 19, 2012 in spirit

 

One response to “alter

  1. Pixie

    February 12, 2012 at 12:53 am

    hey mama – this is ‘shukr’ here. i went back to my old blog today and found you again. i’m 12 weeks pregnant and working through some of the stuff you are/ have wrestled with about having another baby.

    ((((sending love and hugs to you and your family))))

     

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