I wish there were such a thing as a new start. What would it be like, to suddenly be rid of all the former challenges, to really be able to lay aside the things that hindered us, obscured our way, thwarted our progress? Instead, for me at least, a new start is just an attempt at doing it again, acknowledging my vulnerability and the need to try anew.
I’m using some structure this time… an e-course that began today, a local women’s self-nurturing group, and on the physical side an ass-kicking dvd that I’ll be attempting with my man. Not to mention that he and I spent a good two days last week coming up with a very ambitious plan for our business for 2012. There is a LOT going on.
Meanwhile, though, I am struggling. I am throwing all of these things in my path, summoning my historical Finnish sisu, and determining that I will not always feel this way (angry, depressed, purposeless). I know – ok maybe it is that I trust (in what, anymore?) – that they will guide me, that these activities, along with the work of daily life: my beautiful boys, my family, my chosen love, our amazing family therapist, will lead me back to my Self.
Here I am: on Day 1 of Soul*Full.
You know what happened today that was truly beautiful? I sat in front of my son and watched him button his fleecy monkey pajama shirt. I laughed as my twins ran circles around each other, giggling and singing their way around. Our therapist Jo guided us into a deeper level on our path(s): finding that each of the three of us is searching for a home – longing to feel rooted. It was such a Truth Moment – something we all knew, but that when spoken by her took on such a deep significance that we each know it truly is our next goal, both individually and as a team. I know in myself that if she can really guide me out of this place and help me reach down and plant myself here, in this life that I have, in the beauty and pain, the questions and the searching, that I may feel rooted and secure, my life – my self – will be transformed.